the horrors of girlhood persist

today is not a good day. it's cloudy, the weather is nice, but my mind is a prison in which I am the only prisoner. my solitary confinement is usually nice, but today being trapped in here is causing hysteria.

the horrors that are also trapped in here with me enjoy waterboarding me with memories I would much like to forget. yet they linger. DO YOU HAVE TO? DO YOU HAVE TO LET IT LINGERRRRR anyways

I have a really bad memory. short term memory loss low-key. it's not always bad, it depends on several factors, where i'm at mentally, what part of my hormone cycle I am, and what has been going on in my life. and whenever something bad happens, while it's happening I am not inside my body, I always fold into the corners of my brain mentally and I check out, so it takes me a bit to unfurl that and figure out what happened and what to do about it. and to try and grasp how I even let those things happen. the horrors persist but so do I!!!

I am someone who intellectualizes everything that happens to me and tries to make it a learning experience and something helpful. "because if I don't, that means that all the damage I got isn't good damage, it's just damage." real

most days are really good for me actually ! I am so thankful that they are. unless anyone brings up what i'm doing with my life or say things like "we're worried about you I shouldn't have to feel like i'm still taking care of two kids you're 18 i'm worried this is like a 'failure to launch' situation (blah blah blah)" because that's not cool ! I actually do have direction in my life and even if I didn't, I am only 18????? that is still a child in every aspect no??? I am still a child. a magical switch doesn't automatically flip when I turn 18. okay rant over. it was not my day today.

I have nothing left to say and I would try to say something sweet and encouraging at the end here but I really don't have the energy for it so this is all you get:

love love love you, tomorrow is another chance to have a beautiful day, and I will try again.

~maddison