i don't know how to talk

I think I've realized that the reason i can only (somewhat) eloquently express myself in writing form is because I was so quiet for so long. 15 years of my life I was slowly taught that I had to be quiet.

so everything just stays in my brain and the only way to express how I think and what I feel properly enough is from writing it out, I can't speak well. the only time I can speak my feelings and things well is when I have hours and hours talking to someone to be able to word vomit long enough to come up with a few coherent thoughts verbalized. I've had a small number of people I can do that with over the years, but not enough apparently or else I'd be better at speaking by now.

like when anyone asks me how I'm doing. I cannot answer them because in the moment I do not remember. I also have a bad memory sometimes and I don't know how to even understand why I can remember some things and other things I cannot. it makes no sense the patterns that my mind follows. 

I sound like a child when I try to express my feelings about something or share my knowledge on anything. it makes me seem unintelligent, which is okay, but I just wish things could exit my brain as easily as they dance around in there unbothered.

but I am constantly growing and changing and evolving into more of myself, and perhaps someday I will learn how to talk. but for now i've gotta stick with what i've got.

xoxo -maddison