learning to take up space

it's not an easy thing to do, taking up space. especially because my key developmental years were filled with people telling me to be smaller, quieter, less than myself.

i think i have come a very long way from where i once was. but now i have to handle the guilt that comes with taking up the space that i am very much allowed to take up. it's okay to be loud, and goofy, and weird, if that is who you are. it's also okay not to be that all the time. because nobody is just one thing. sometimes i want to be quiet, alone, private.

it's a difficult thing to grasp. it's hard to come out of your own selfish view of everything and see that people are more than just the little boxes you've put them in. i have a hard time with this, especially with my family.

i just want to be unapologetically myself, without worrying that i am in turn making others feel small by my presence. i want to be someone who brings the best out in others, someone that other people feel good and safe around. i want to be kind while still being excitable and goofy. i want to be reverent while still being loud. i want to be soft while still being strong.

i am working towards this. trying to tweak my habits and my reactions to something more kind, more gentle. for myself and others. but everyone around me seems to only see a lazy girl, a girl with no direction. instead of a horrifically traumatized, hurt girl trying to pick up the pieces of herself that are smeared all over the ground and glue herself back together, grow, heal, love, and develop myself into something stronger, more beautiful than before. they see what they want to see. and it hurts. but i'm trying to persevere. by God's good grace alone for realz.

until next time (next time will be lighter I promise)

~maddison ❥