getting my life together core !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really should not write when I am feeling like this but I am here because it's that time of the year!!

what time??? the time to fix absolutely everything wrong with me of course and I also need to learn everything. I need a guitar I really want to learn guitar. and I gotta get back into my other hobbies. and I really want to crochet everything. and I really want to read every book I own. I deactivated/deleted all my socials right now so most people will need to resort to carrier pigeon if they want to contact me right now because the emotions are intense right now and it's probably concerning but it is all going to be for good and I just need to stop being a slave to distractions everyone I know right now is so distracted by everything so I know it's not just me but I feel like a zombie so I am going to go back to doing things that make me feel alive. healthy things. this might sound genuinely worrying to some of you or like I'm going into psychosis and maybe I am ? but oh wellzies c'est la vie

i'm very excited for this life I live. I love the thought of the life I am living right now. but I am not actually living in the life i'm living if that makes sense. I am not being present. which is what I am going to work to change. the things that really matter are getting tossed aside. like sitting outside barefoot in the grass eating a sandwich. or going on a little day trip somewhere. or playing in the creek. or reading a new book. or drawing. the things that actually enrich life. I have not been doing them. because it's so much easier to just get quick instant bursts of dopamine through the shit fuck ass screens we are all stuck behind!

might look into actually getting a flip phone soon because I cannot keep living this way. we only live once and we are young and healthy and ALIVE so I need to go actually live. we are all stuck psuedo-living in this mind rotting cyber world. and it feels so hard to break out of.

so that's why I take advantage of days where I absolutely lose my mind because in a way it snaps me back to reality and a what actually matters here. I don't want to keep wasting these precious precious days. but that's all I seem capable of doing.

and the spiritual warfare has been absolutely insane recently. I don't even want to get into that whole rant because it would triple the size of this post today. but it's just one of the biggest reasons i'm escaping the useless things and getting back to the important things. because I never think of God these days. it's like something is keeping me from Him coming to mind. so I forget to pray, to read my Bible, to enjoy this wonderful life i'm blessed with. but i'm trying to wake up. I'm trying to get out.

but I am excited that I am finally back. in a few days I will completely feel back in my body I think. a few days away from my phone. I will probably post more on here then too. which is exciting. maybe start vlogging privately who knows. maybe finally start a podcast. don't know don't know don't know but I am excited and I hope everyone else isn't as insane as me and doesn't let the grip of screens and social media kill your creativity too. I hope you are enriching your mind and soul with the things you love.

with anxious excitement for the rest of my life,

maddison