finally a happy post

kidding but like at least I touched grass this week r u guys proud of me

it's been crazy tornado weather this week and our old barn finally collapsed. but on a bright side, we have quail babies!! like 13 so far and more hatching.

i've been yearning to create again but ignore my actual hobbies for unfulfilling time passers that do nothing but suck the life out of my soul. why do we keep doing this to ourselves guys. I tell myself it's because i'm too tired to do anything else more fulfilling but the thing that makes me tired in the first place is the unhealthy distractions.

I wanna start a podcast or a YouTube channel really bad. and it's not the fear of it not taking off that stops me, I wouldn't really care if nobody watched/listened. it would be my corner of the cyberverse. but I think it's the actual creation of it, having to be on my camera, or record my nonsensical babble that stops me. I fear I wouldn't make a lick of sense in any other form of creation besides written. I fear I don't actually have anything to say when the moments come. I feel like every word out of my mouth is unimportant and annoying. I feel like nobody cares about the things I say because they are pointless.

that obviously isn't inherently true, but some people like me and I am loved, but THE VOICES.

also the sky is falling. the cern project is turning back on the machine on the same day as the eclipse, there are high up satanist rituals happening then, bridges have been getting destroyed, there are earthquakes, it's a great time to be alive

at least my best friend is finally having a birthday party for the first time in like 10 years idek. we are having a picnic !

I know everyone feels funky rn and many are feeling stuck in place but I truly feel like i'm running with no traction towards everything I want to be but I am getting nowhere. in fact, the running in place is actually making me slide backwards a bit. which is okay, we don't heal linearly, but gosh I hate feeling like this. I am doing nothing with my life. nothing.

i hope to find my footing soon but continue to give grace to my rotting body. I will move forward someday. I might have to run far away and drain all my savings for that to happen but yolo! ...

dazed, confused, foggy, exhausted and sad, with love

-maddison